Episode 13: The Gray Lady
Previous: Episode 12: A Million Bucks in Anybody's Language Next: Invitation to Limbo
Opening:
The scene is a movie premiere with a red-carpet that features Bert Parks, as himself, interviewing celebrities.
“Yes, sir!" he gushes. "Wall to wall celebrities!”
A host of photographers pop flashbulbs at the camera every few seconds. Parks addresses a camera labeled “abc” (appropriately enough, since “Honey West” aired on the ABC network).
He interviews a “star” of the unnamed movie being shown, Nicole [inaudible] (Nancy Kovack).
“How do you like America?” he asks her.
In a thick French accent she says, “Oh, America is…”
CUT TO a dapper, mustachioed man in a hotel room next to a TV
showing the image of Parks and Nicole on the screen.
“…Beautiful,” he says, finishing her sentence for her, but more than likely he is talking about the jeweled necklace he is examining. He is Abbott (Cesare Danova), a jewel thief who is famous in certain circles, on both sides of the law. This is not his hotel room. It is Nicole’s, and Abbott is loading up on her baubles.
...Abbott blows his own back at the TV screen.
Then he switches out the bulb in a nearby lamp and substitutes one of his own.
While he finishes putting jewelry into his bag, the closet door opens and Honey West comes out with a .38 revolver in her hand.
“Where are you going, lover?” she asks.
Abbott wants to know who she is. They trade a few probing lines before she introduces herself as Honey West.
“Well, well, well, the girl private eye,” he says. "Don't you know a woman's place is in the home?"
"This is no time for a proposal," she replies. "Just hand over the loot."
"Guess you can't win 'em all. Might as well kiss the lady goodbye."
"What lady?"
"Just an elegant friend I had a kind of date with."
He asks if he can have a cigarette.
"Okay, but no quick moves,” she warns him.
“I bet you say that to all the boys,” he says.
“Only you, lover.”
"Keep talking. I'm beginning to get your message."
He closes in on her, but rather than shooting him, she takes
his arm and throws him, judo style.
"I never tried to kiss a black belt before." [But to quibble, mightn't a brown or even green belt have mastered that throw?]
"There's always a first time," she says.
He stands up. "How about a rematch? Two out of three falls?"
"I'll take a raincheck," says Honey. "Let's go."
Abbott begins scanning the rug, and he soon bends down.
“What are you looking for?” she asks.
“My contact lens. Must have dropped out while I was airborne.”
"Contact lens?" she scoffs.
"So I'm vain. turn on that light, please."
Honey turns on the lamp in which Abbott just switched out the bulb, and it flashes brightly before instantly dying out. Honey is blinded.
Abbott pulls a knife.
Then Abbott opens the door and exits with the parting words, "Goodbye, Honey."
Honey takes out her lipstick-microphone and calls on Sam. She gives him a description of the thief.
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| Sam is in their van outside the hotel. The thief, however, changes his appearance in the elevator. He removes his bow tie, turns his dinner jacket inside-out to transform it into an exterminator’s uniform, and peels off his fake mustache, |
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Lieutenant Keith can be heard but is blocked from view by a man in a hat. Keith recognizes Abbott's handiwork in the way he opened the door with a length of plastic. Meanwhile, Nicole is angry that she prepared for the thief by hiring Honey, who let Abbott make a fool of her.
“I was playing for real,” says Honey.
He just started a few weeks ago, he says. "Why?"
Honey takes out a cigarette and lets him light it for her.
Honey asks whether Keith needs her and Sam for anything more.
"No, no. You’ve been very helpful.”
“Helpful?!” scoffs Nicole.
Keith suggests a date, and Honey accepts.
 |
| (L-r, Fred Vincent, Jason Wingreen, and Nancy Kovack) |
* * *
"Five robberies in the past two weeks, and all celebrities."
"You make him sound like a party crasher."
Sam argues for letting the police deal with Abbott. "We work for money," he reminds her. "We haven't even got a client."
Sam says they have no lead. Honey demurs. Abbott did drop a clue.
“He said something about kissing the lady goodbye."
Sam asks whether they will have to commute to New York.
CUT TO an airplane landing.
She shifts her attention to the ill effects of travel on her dog, Lamb Chop.
"Her ears are stuffed up. Look, now her nose is running."
On the floor of the concourse, their driver is waiting, and he joins them. They walk past Honey and Sam. (Sam is wearing the same outfit he wore in the original version of the previous scene; Honey's outfit here is like neither of her costumes in either version of the previous scene.)
 |
| BTW Sam is munching on a snack, probably from a vending machine. |
Sam says, "Nice couple."
"Of what?" asks Honey.
"You might have to wait in line," says Sam.
As Honey and Sam walk away, Sam tosses the wrapper from his snack on the floor.
And a man gets off the escalator. We cannot see his face yet, just his legs...
...but he picks up the wrapper that Sam dropped and puts it in a trash can.
* * *
Honey drives her Cobra to the entrance of a hotel. She and
the parking valet recognize each other, but the valet is reluctant to take
the car since Bruce, Honey's ocelot, is sprawled on the passenger seat.
“Don’t worry, Charlie,” says Honey, “he’s already eaten.”
Honey meets with Jerry Ivar, and proposes that she wait in the Ivars’ room (much as she did in Nicole’s) and nab Abbott when he comes to steal the Gray Lady.
Jerry listens condescendingly to her proposal...
“Mr. Ivar, I have one thing to say to you.”
"He turned a very satisfying shade of magenta."
"Well, I don’t blame him."
Sam wants to know if she has gotten it out of her system. She assures him that she comes to the shooting range for practice, not therapy.
"Ivar refused to hire you," Sam observes. "How do you expect to set a trap without his help?"
"Because I have your help."
"Oh, no, not on your…"
Honey and Sam come out of the hotel's elevator. Sam pushes a TV set.
" …Life. That’s what we’ll get if we’re caught up here. Life."
Honey says, "Sing Sing swings this time of year."
Sam is apprehensive at this remark. Honey leaves him outside the door to the Ivars' room, number 807.
Sam, dressed as a TV repairman, wheels a TV set into the Ivar’s hotel room. The couple says they already have one (Jerry repeats everything Babs says)...
 |
Sam observes that Babs is changing necklaces and leaving the Gray Lady in the hotel room. The Ivars give him a tip—or, rather, Babs gives Jerry the tip, and Jerry conveys it to Sam. (There is no question about who pays the bills in this marriage.)
Sam brings the extra TV to Honey’s room, number 1107. She stops him.
“I don’t watch television.”
“Very funny,” says Sam. "One of these days we'll die laughing."
Honey laments that they could not get a room closer to the
Ivars’ room because of a big convention. Sam turns on the TV that is already set up in 1107. It is tuned to a small TV camera
hidden inside the TV in the Ivars’ room. They are soon watching the Ivars
getting dressed to go out. (Fortunately, they're mostly dressed already.)
“A new kind of set,” says Sam. “It watches you.”
“I wonder what kind of rating this show is getting?” asks Honey. (A cruel person might point out that, in this time slot, “Gomer Pyle: USMC” has higher ratings.)
Sam is on his way out to the van to maintain the generator that powers the closed-circuit system.
“I'm just going to spend a quiet evening at home, watching television,” says Honey.
“Honey, if there's any trouble....”
“Loud and clear, Sam.”
The Ivars come out of the elevator, into the lobby. Abbott appears immediately after they disappear from view.
Abbott gets off of the elevator on the Ivars’ floor. He carries a plastic "do not disturb" sign, which he uses to work the lock on their door.
...and enters their room.
On her TV monitor, Honey watches...
...as Abbott replaces the bulb in a lamp, just as he did in Nicole’s room earlier.
But this time, Honey sees him.
Honey puts a .38 in her boot and strips down to a black leotard.
She goes out the window onto the ledge. She opens a collapsible anchor that is attached to a climbing rope.
She hooks one of the arms of the anchor inside her window...
...and climbs down three stories.
(No bowline around her waist; so, if she loses her grip, she will plummet eight to eleven stories to her death. This makes for exciting TV, if not safe climbing.)
She reaches the ledge outside the Ivars’ room and goes in the window. (What if it had been closed and locked?)
Honey pulls her gun out of her boot.
Abbott is absorbed in the Gray Lady.
“Beautiful,” he says.
“I didn’t know you cared,” she says.
“This is where I came in,” he says.
“Correction. This is where you go out.”
"I didn't think you'd expect me here tonight," he says, admitting to overconfidence.
"We all have our faults," she says.
"Curiosity seems to be one of yours. Could get you killed one of these days."
He reaches for the knife he keeps up his sleeve.
“Better keep your sword dry,” she says. “This isn’t a cigarette lighter.”
Just then, Jerry comes into the room.
“What's going on here? Miss West, what are you doing here? Who is this man?”
"The jewel thief you didn't believe existed."
"I don't know how to thank you."
“You could start by calling the police. This
is getting heavy,” she says, indicating the gun.
Jerry starts to walk toward the phone but as he passes her...
...he knocks the gun from her hand. He pulls out his own gun, which has a silencer.
“You dumb, stupid jackass!” he shouts at Abbott. “Everything
we worked for, planned on! You let a girl blow it all!”
“She's like a bad penny,” says Abbott.
It dawns on Honey that this is a setup to trick the
insurance company into paying out for the stolen diamond. "And I was dumb enough to fall for it.
“But smart enough to catch Abbott. Most unfortunate, Miss West.”
“You were perfect,” Honey says to Abbott. “Big reputation. That's good casting. Someone steals the Gray Lady and it's all part of the pattern—your pattern, Mr. Abbott.”
 |
| Abbott takes a bow. |
“And who would suspect you,” Honey says to Jerry. “Mama’s little helper, helping himself to all that insurance money.”
Jerry says, “The insurance will take care of itself. You are the problem at the moment.”
“Look, I don't want to be in the way,” says Honey lamely. “Why don't I just say good night and grab a cab.”
Predictably, this does not fly, and Jerry discourages Honey with his pistol. He then checks with Abbott to make sure he was seen in the lobby. (In the original version, Abbott talked to the clerk at the desk in the lobby. That scene has been cut from this version, yet Jerry still mentions it.)
Abbott asks how Jerry knew he was in trouble. He didn’t, but Jerry noticed that the guy who had delivered the TV set to his room was sitting in a truck outside the hotel. Jerry investigated and found the guy watching a closed-circuit show—with Abbott as the star. Jerry conked the guy on his head.
Honey compliments Jerry on his thoroughness.
Jerry proposes that Abbott do the courtesy of throwing Honey out the window. It will make a satisfying story for the authorities.
Abbott says to Honey, "You were right. He is thorough."
"More than you know," says Honey. She tells Abbott that the diamond is probably a fake. While Abbott will be trying to fence it, Jerry will have the insurance money and the real diamond.
The two crooks begin arguing. Abbott is about to step on the diamond to test its authenticity.
(If a "diamond" is fake, it is often made of paste, which will turn to powder under a crushing blow.)
Abbott draws his knife...
...only to be shot again.
Jerry now makes the usual mistake of every TV and movie villain:
He tells Honey what his new plan is. He will stage a shootout between Honey and Abbott in which they both die. He has two guns, after all. But when he bends over to pick up Honey’s gun, Honey kicks his gun out of his hand.
Jerry is undeterred. He takes off his dinner jacket and tosses it on the bed.
“We are going to have a ball!” he says menacingly as he karate chops through a table.
The ensuing fight does not go well for Honey at first...
...but she eventually makes a comeback. The turning point comes when Jerry is on top of her...
...and Honey makes what looks like a mastoid attack on Jerry’s ears.
As she approaches Jerry, he kicks her away from him...
...but Honey sets up a gymnastic sequence, in which she summersaults onto Jerry, pinning him down so she can deliver a chop to the head.
And yet, the fight continues.
Jerry tries to deliver a wild strike with his hand, but she catches and throws him.
Then she moves in and delivers several chops and a knockout blow.
CUT TO
Sam, unconscious by the closed-circuit monitor showing Honey in room 807.
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| "After a knock-down-drag-out fight, I really need to comb my hair." |
In the hallway, three hotel guests, who have apparently heard the ruckus, are craning to see into room 807. Honey turns over the "do not disturb" sign before closing the door
behind her. (She does not tie up Jerry or call the police immediately.)
"I begged you not to take this job."
“Sam, watch it. You're going to break a stitch.”
Honey apologizes and kisses his bandaged head.
“I think gangrene just set in,” he grumbles.
 |
| “Thanks a lot,” she says. |
Honey waves some papers. “Publicity. Columns of it. Our phones have been ringing like the bells of Saint Mary’s. We're booked solid.”
“Paying customers?” asks Sam.
“Money in the bank,” says Honey.
Just then, a nurse (Aleane Hamilton) walks in and says she has to change Mr. Bolt's bandage.
As Honey leaves, Sam protests. “Wait, I want to hear about those jobs.”
Overall rating: 5
Martial arts rating: 5
Notes:
This is a significant episode of “Honey West” because it is one of the better episodes, being one of three that were written by “Columbo” creators William Link and Richard Levinson. (It does have a reasonably clever plot twist.) It has been given a few tweaks since an unaired version that was meant to be the pilot of the series. Several scenes in the original were cut, but references to them were preserved in other scenes. Maybe one or two things do not make sense practically in either version, such as Honey getting off the elevator on the eighth floor when she is going to a room on the eleventh floor. Obviously because the dramatists needed her to have a conversation with Sam, and pacing required that he quickly get to room 807.
It is also memorable to me, personally, because of a couple of things that I remember from the day the episode first aired, 10 December 1965, when I was 14 years old. One memory is that this was one of the few episodes—or, perhaps, the only one—that my mother watched with me, and she found the climactic fight scene disturbing because all she saw was a man beating up a woman. (She saw less than half the picture: It is about a man trying—and failing miserably—to beat up a woman.)
It is rumored that an alternate opening for this episode exists, but I have not seen it.
Gun safety is often an issue for me, but in this episode, nobody has a gun pointed at them unintentionally. Honey, not for the first time, lets an adversary close in on her despite the fact that she is pointing a gun at them. To have a gun in her hand but to rely instead on judo to defend herself seems foolish. After all, at that point, if she is not going to use the gun, it becomes an encumbrance, preventing her from grabbing her opponent with both hands. I suppose the conceit is that Honey is a hero, and heroes—at least on 1960s TV series—are not meant to shoot unarmed individuals, even ones attacking them. This seems absurd. Jerry, on the other hand, shoots Abbott when the latter pulls a knife. Jerry, however, is a villain and is allowed to do the sensible thing.
While temporarily blinded, Honey fires her revolver in the direction of a noise made by her adversary. It is a ruse, of course, and Honey falls for it. One problem is that there are very few circumstances under which a blind person—even a temporarily blind person—should fire a gun. (When one's life is threatened, one must do what one must, of course.) In this case, it is arguable whether Honey did the right thing. Her life might have been in danger, and it was somewhat unlikely that her bullet would have struck an unintended victim, but nothing is certain where firearms are involved, except that accidents can happen.
Honey considers herself to be her own client throughout most of this episode. Sam sensibly keeps reminding her that they need to have real clients or they will not make any money. His words fall on deaf ears, and, apparently, Honey is rewarded for her questionable attitude when publicity surrounding the case draws new customers. Her policy definitely has its limitations, though. Private investigation is a service. Practitioners of any service who do not show their clients respect will end up wondering why they do not have clients. In this episode, Honey shows no courtesy for any of her clients. Admittedly, neither Nicole nor Jerry has a good attitude, but Honey's attitude is not sufficiently professional. When Sam sarcastically says of their prospective clients, the Ivars, "Nice couple," Honey says, "Of what?" It is a funny wisecrack, but it is counterproductive to the right attitude for winning people over. Honey later reports that when Jerry Ivar rejected the offer of her services, she said something to him that was presumably off color and insulting. This left no reason for Jerry to change his mind, ever. (At the time, Honey had no reason to believe that Jerry was a crook.) I am reminded of the late, great, real-life private eye Gil Lewis, who said that he always saved his wisecracks for his clients' enemies, never his clients, who were people in trouble who needed his help, not insults.
Jerry shows no curiosity about how Honey got into his room, which might have been a good question. If the plot had taken a different turn at this point, it might have been an important question, though the plot that is followed here does render that question moot. It just seems odd in retrospect that Jerry neither knows nor cares about the answer.
After discovering Honey and Abbott in his hotel room, Jerry takes off his glasses and puts them in one of his pockets. It is not an unusual or noteworthy action, except that, in this case, one can't help wondering whether this implies that Jerry does not really need glasses. Characterologically, in fact, his glasses are part of his mask of harmlessness. Jerry is gradually revealing himself for who he is: a gold-digging thief and murderer. It is a nice, if perhaps too subtle, touch that only became noticeable to me on repeated viewing.
In the epilogue, Honey says, "I have a luncheon appointment." A "luncheon" is a formal lunch, almost necessarily an appointed meeting whether with one person, a small group of people, or a large organizational meeting held in a dining room. We are not told whether this luncheon appointment has anything to do with the get-together promised to Lieutenant Keith earlier in this episode.
The airport scene in "The Gray Lady" made me think of the airport scene in “In the Bag.”
There were African-Americans in the airport scene in that episode, but not in "The Gray Lady." (It was not just that there were African-American airport employees in "In the Bag." There was at least one African-American passenger, as well.)
While Bruce (actually a female ocelot named "Honey," believe it or not) makes a brief appearance in this episode, Aunt Meg (Irene Hervey) does not appear at all.
Nor is she so much as mentioned.
The cast includes Bert Parks, an actor/singer who was best known for hosting the Miss America Pageant over several decades. His rendition of “Here She is, Miss America” became his signature. (He was also the host of one of the first widely seen television programs, “Party Line,” back in 1946.) He appeared later on a number of TV series. In the movie, “The Freshman” (1990), he parodied himself.
There was nothing wrong with Danova’s acting, and certainly—even just based on his performance in “The Gray Lady”—absolutely nothing wrong with his charm, which is about 20 on a scale of 1 to 10, but after further disappointments in film, he worked increasingly in television and B-movies. He did, however, have a memorable role in Martin Scorsese’s low-budget masterpiece “Mean Streets” in 1973, and was immortalized in American comedy with his broad role in "National Lampoon's Animal House" in 1978.
BTW the multi-talented Danova was an athlete and an archer who once performed the feat of hitting the bullseye of a target with one arrow and then evenly splitting the first arrow with a second one. He also spoke five languages. The last of the five that he learned was English. (He may have grown up speaking both Italian and German in his home in Italy.)
Very few of the people involved in this episode are still alive. Among the few who might be are Jon Sargent, who plays a boyish parking valet, and Alean (credited as Aleane) "Bambi" Hamilton, who plays the sexy nurse in the epilogue. As did a few others in this cast, both Sargent and Hamilton also appeared on “Burke’s Law,” the series that introduced the character Honey West. (Other "Burke's" veterans include Kevin McCarthy, Nancy Kovack, and Bert Parks, as well as extras Jason Wingreen, Dana White, George Ford, James Gonzalez, and Clark Ross.)
Bonus: "Burke's Law": "Who Killed the Jackpot?"
Episode One: The Swingin' Mrs. Jones
Episode Ten: A Neat Little Package
Episode Eleven: A Stitch in Crime
Episode Twelve: A Million Bucks in Anybody's Language
Episode Thirteen: The Gray Lady (You are already here)
Episode Fourteen: Invitation to Limbo
Episode Fifteen: Rockabye the Hard Way
Episode Sixteen: A Nice Little Till to Tap
Episode Seventeen: How Brillig, O, Beamish Boy
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